150 – Lunch With The Kids
Yesterday I had the opportunity to have lunch with one of our sons and his wife and children. It was intimate, lovely and blessed time of connection. A peaceful and beautiful lesson that there is a wonderful future ahead and that opportunities abound.
149 – A Framework Of Service
A powerful lesson at church yesterday gave me a new tool to battle depression. I’ve made a choice to think more about serving others. This is not to neglect to me, but simply to recognize the reality that to become who I want to be, which is more like God, I want to focus more on service.
148 – Parents Are Protectors
One of the critical roles of parents are supposed to play is that of protector. Parents are supposed to teach the kids what they need to know and make sure life is safe for them to experiment with. When that fails the whole framework falls apart.
147 – My Mother’s Birthday
Over the years I have been pretty faithful about wishing my mom a Happy Birthday. This year, given everything that’s going on, I did not make the call. I’m not angry, I’m just trying to deal with the fact that I feel no affection and I’m tired of pretending
146 – The Power Of Truth
Something I struggle with is telling the truth. Sometimes to myself, sometimes to Joy. I still have trouble separating struggles I have with depression from my worth as a human being. When I hide behind lies it quiets the war, but only for a moment.
145 – Blame The Victim
Since my diagnosis of depression in late 2013, my family has taken the position that I’m a liar. Not overtly, but they regularly play the ‘Blame the Victim’ game where the onus is on me to forgive and ignore the long-term consequences I still deal with.
144 – A Critical Lesson On Friendship
One of the saddest things about my life is that I have not learned until recently what friendship means. When I have struggles with depression it has always been a lonely exercise. Joy has now begun to teach me how essential friendship is and she is my first and best friend.
143 – The Guerrilla Chapter
I’m part of an organization relaunching the guerrilla marketing brand created in the 80s. This is a fabulous opportunity to build my business and at the same time eliminate some of the old scripting of ‘Not Good Enough.’ A welcome blessing.
142 – The Book Is Killing Me
I’m still in the editing stages of the ‘TightRope Of Depression’ book. Going through all of the incidents in my early life and writing them with enough detail to be powerful is both therapeutic and extremely difficult. The effects were lasting and real.
141 – Authenticity Is King
The reality of life is that you are who you are. I can’t be anyone else and when I try to be anyone else it comes off as fake. Because it is. The other reality is that I live in fear that what I am is not good enough and that nobody wants me. That is the lie.
140 – The Video Event
I attended a spectacular event hosted by a friend of mine. I ended up being the MC for the three days. The big win for me here was I got to see how many other creative people balance the need to create and the need to be in business without going insane.
139 – Trusting myself
A visit with my shrink today. Very helpful and enlightening. Three things. Sing more sad songs. Listen to the voices inside of you to see what they are actually saying. Remember that in the rush to do things, we are still living life, one day at a time. It’s all we have.
138 – The Protector Screams ‘STOP’!
In episode 122, I introduced the ‘Protector.’ An ever-present and needed safeguard to keeping me sane. I reassigned his role with his zillions of helpers, and today he called a screaming halt to the maddening rush of planning the day. Why? – More time for the Creative – Way to Go!!!!
137 – Says Who?
Every day…some days more and some less, I deal with the draining and debilitating feeling of ‘Not Good Enough.’ The centerpiece of the Black Hole. The core of the Abyss. The final answer to the statement ‘Not Good Enough’ is simply ‘Says Who?’ God has not judged and no one else matters.
136 – Permission To Live
This episode is about always feeling like everything you ‘need to do’ or ‘should be doing’ is because someone else needs it, or because someone else has asked. It is giving the ultimate authority for everything I do and be to someone else. Do I need ‘permission’ to Live?
135 – The Revelation on Emergence
Finished for the fourth time a book titled “Emergence.” Really good book and very revealing. Doing some deep meditation today after the disaster day. Powerful revelation. Great guidance. We really are unaware of the possibilities around us, and most importantly in us.
134 – My Circular Life in Hell
No matter what I do that is good, I seem to manage to sabotage myself and end up in hell – again and again. What is it about this depression cycle that makes me resort to the self-destructive behaviors? After great things I want to burn down the world. Drinking again. What the heck is up with that?
133 – A Good Event
Attended another powerful event. Framing is everything. The event was less than half the size it was supposed to be – whatever that means. The organizer made it incredibly good, and I got a tremendous amount of benefit from attending. Learned about bio-linguistics. Incredible insights about stimulus response.
132 – Point Of View
Amazing how much difference there is in a point of view. I heard a story about someone. It gave me a certain opinion. It was not flattering. Then I heard a completely different story from someone else. Completely changed my mind about the whole situation. How of much of that runs my life?
131 – The Story Of Unworthy
Last night was a disaster. And an Epiphany at the same time. Terrible sleep, tired, Dreams of torture, yet at the end of it all, I have a wonderful story to tell that helps me sort out the duality, the constant battle of “Not Good Enough,” and the drive to have a sane and productive life.
130 – If I Could Just Do A Little More
One terror of my life was the feeling that “If I could just do a little more, then I would be OK, then I would be good enough.” In the liberation from duality, I still want to do a little more, but it is now because I love my life and want to do more good in the world. Totally different feeling.
129 – An Eye Single
In religious texts, there is instruction that we should be doing our work here “with an eye single to the glory of God.” As I was liberated from the terror of duality, I suddenly came to realize what that meant and the total freedom and peace that this notion brings, both in a religious and worldly context.
128 – Duality Part II
The most amazing thing happened today. The second part of the duality reality came to me today. I have lived knowing I was worthless. I have created a layer of pain to prove it, even when things were good. Part II is a subtle death wish. Today’s discovery is life changing.
127 – Clearing the Pain of An Old Wound
One client that I coach does “energy work” and offered to help me with an old problem. The event? My mom came and watched a performance of a musical group I was with. This has always been a huge pain for me. It is the only time I can remember that my mom actually told me that I was OK. I was 24.
126 – Closing Clients
Over the course of the day I have closed two more clients, and another possible one. It takes so much mental clarity. Funny, how much I enjoy helping people, yet at the same time, harboring such deep uncertainty and doubt about my own worth. I felt good and scared at the same time.
125 – On Stage
I spoke last night. It was really good, and I got rave reviews. There were several people that indicated interest in possibly working with me and I felt really good. I was in a trance as I usually am when speaking and I felt in the zone. Nice for something to go well for a change.
124 – On the Road Again
Travelling to Philadelphia to attend a conference. I am speaking. I have prepared crazy amounts. I am both afraid and excited. There is a lot riding on my performance, not so much for life and for my own mental health. Then again, in the big scheme of things, does it really matter.
123 – “C” Is For Clarity
Clarity is overrated, it is not found, it is created. #ClearEnoughForAction. This is my new thought. I have wasted so much time and effort trying to get “clear” about what I am doing. Some days are clear, and some days are muddy, but it can always be clear enough to do something.
122 – The Stage In My Mind
Wild dialogue between three players in my head. The Creative, who wants to create whatever comes to mind and desperately wants it to be important to others too. The Obsessive, who freaks out about money and bills and the Protector, mysterious and powerful. I was truly amazed.
121 – On Camera
I’m really good on camera. It doesn’t make sense that I have such a fear and experience such procrastination in getting video done, but I do. Today was a filming day and I fought my way to the stage. It was a great day in the end and I got a lot of footage, over my dead body.
120 – Let’s Have Some Fun
After yesterday, I decided to figure out what was wrong. I decided that there was way too much pressure that I was creating in my life. Joy and I talked about this and I decided that the antidote could be far simpler than I thought, What if I just decided to have fun with all the tasks of the day?
119 – A Really Bad Day
I couldn’t get up this morning. I just stayed in bed. Every time I tried to get up, the overwhelming sadness attacked me and I simply did not have the energy to get up. As I stayed in bed, the helpless feeling started to come of guilt and shame for not getting up and doing what I needed to do.
118 – Who Do I Want To Be?
On the heels of that question came a revolt in my mind. It is NOT only about who I need to be, but at the same time, “Who do I want to be?” If I don’t want to be something, then the answer to the first question is interesting but useless. Who do I want to be, and why?
117 – Who Do I Need To Be?
I had a dream last night. Terrifying and painful all at the same time. It was about reconnecting with my children and finding them both curious and resistant. I asked the question, “Who do I need to be to make the things happen in my life that I want? Who do I need to be to create success?
116 – In The Slip Stream
The slipstream is the air curtain between the still air mass and the airplane wing. The movement of air in that area is different than anywhere else. Sometimes I feel like moving in and out of depression is like living in the slipstream. Life feels so different one day to the next and it is very strange.
115 – Back In the North
Finally, I get to go up to Edmonton and be with my Joy. It has been a million years, even though on the calendar it has only been three weeks. Holy crap, it seems like so much longer. I am thrilled to see her and feeling her arms and heart next to mine breathes life back into my weary soul.
114 – One Day At a Time
After grand pronouncements like yesterday, reality slams me in the face and reminds me that I can’t do everything at once. Failure looms large and with it, the possibility to slip into blackness. One thing at a time is all we can work on and one day at a time is all we can live. Enjoy it.
113 – Commitment
At the end of the story, there is one word that tells the tale of my success. It is commitment. Either I am going to do something or not. There is no easy road to success. Whether that success is with depression or with business or anything else. Commitment is the key and the only obstacle is me.
112 – Whining
I finally realized today that whining is a favorite pastime. Not actually whining, but finding reasons NOT to do something. I’m too tired. I don’t feel like it. Well, today I went nuts attacking the whining monster and all the stupidity that it represents. No more whining, today, or EVER.
111 – Opportunity Cost of The Game
When I stand out powerfully in my life and in my business, I attract opposition. Haters are those who can’t stand me because I represent all that they want and can’t have. Unwilling to pay the price, they create the illusion of power by tearing me down. The cost of doing business.
110 – The Big Avatar
An avatar is a word representing the “Ideal Customer” that I am trying to seek as my client. All these days working on marketing material and I get so confused sometimes about who I am looking for. I think it is because I fight so hard some days to remember who I am.
109 – Pain Is My Teacher
Today I came face to face with the idea of learning. How do I learn? What is the fastest way to create progress? It is a harsh reality, but bad experience is often the fastest way to learn something. Pain is often the way to my greatest understanding, and learning from pain creates the deepest impressions.
108 – Feeling Way Too Damn Good
For some reason, this feeling of unhappiness is really punishing me. I know that at the core I’m not really good enough, or at least part of me keeps feeling that. That makes me want, at some level, to create a failure of some kind, because things are going too good. Stupid, really.
107 – Duality – What If I Live In Truth
Huge epiphany today. Driving to the grocery store and contemplating drinking. No particular reason, but thinking about it. Then the reality of the cost of playing on two levels hit me hard. What would happen if all the energy spent hiding the truth was spent living it?
106 – Truth & Choice – Keeping The Word
At the end of the day, we all have choices to make. We can pretend that things are “too hard,” but I’m not even sure I know what that means. When we give our word to something, we need to decide if we really mean what we say, or if we are just making noise that is lost in the wind.
105 – Separation
Being apart is really hard. We had never been apart for 3 weeks before and this is proving to be a real challenge. Two levels are really evident. First, being away from someone I love is certainly not fun. Second, I did not realize how much I needed her day to day to stay sane.
104 – It’s Too Hard
Despite all the tools that I bring to bear, there are days and sometimes weeks that are just ‘too hard.’ Sometimes Joy takes responsibility for failure, and sometimes I let her. This may be easy, but it is not right, not fair to her and ultimately not helpful. Depression is a long-term play and we have to remember that.
103 – Long Walks
One tool that has been a lifesaver for me is the ‘Long Walk.’ Both the act of walking and the fact that it is long in duration have been helpful things for my dealing with the depression. A discussion of why this works, how to make it work for you, how to overcome barriers to doing it and a path to get started.
102 – Meditation
Wow, an incredible topic that I love dearly. An exploration of what meditation is, how it works and why it is a useful tool in the battle of depression. A set of observations about how it has helped me and a suggested path for you to try out this incredible tool for your own benefit.
101 – The Geyser
Pushing through and doing things that were terrifying for me had some interesting and unexpected consequences for me. Three powerful geysers of help entered my life. First a geyser of confidence for myself, second a source of trust in my own judgment, and third a divine assurance that I was on the right path for healing
100 – Writing “The Letters”
Sales letters aren’t the only terror on paper. These were responses to my sister who asked why we were bailing on our family reunion. She also was lecturing me on my lack of forgiveness. Wow, that needed a response, but what? The second was to my mom telling her for the first time the consequences that her physical abuse had on my life.
099 – The Sales Letters
Sales letters are a normal and important part of any service business. Proposals must go out and get approval to create business and income. Writing them is sometimes a nightmare even on a good day, but as a depressive who is always in self-doubt in can be a tornado of terror.
098 – Pushing Through – Again
At the end of the day, sometimes what is required is simple determination. Nothing can substitute for the raw energy of commitment. As a depressive, sometimes that is inaccessible, but the truth is that often there is no other way to get through a difficult situation than simply to push on and on until it’s over.
097 – Patterns
Because I’m so focused on the processes and experiences that take place every day with respect to depression, I have begun to uncover patterns. Patterns that repeat in my life. Patterns that lead to depression and addiction. Patterns that lead to success, what if we control the patterns?
096 – Why The Blood?
One thing that always leaves me curious, sad and sometimes frustrated is the fact that things seem so hard. Perhaps it is a characteristic of depression and perhaps it is this way for everyone, but every advance seems to be fighting against enormous odds and tremendous opposition.
095 – Good Days In The Studio
Part of this whole project is creating two albums of music that deal with my journey through depression. One of the albums is about positive growth and the other, of course, deals with the dark side. This episode talks about a couple of good days, even over blood, sweat and tears.
094 – Family and Pain
My family has a hard and impossible time, accepting the fact that I have suffered from depression for three decades. They have an even worse time with the fact that a lot of this came from the beatings and emotional abuse inflicted by my mom in my formative years. Dealing with that mess is never fun.
093 – God Is Real – Blessings
This episode is a true and deep reflection on the role that the Divine has played in my life. God is real, he is aware of our circumstance and while I don’t even pretend to understand the grand chess game, there is true and deep comfort in the knowledge that somebody, somewhere knows what’s going on.
092 – Reset and Recalibrate
It turns out that Joy’s trip to the emergency room has to do with dizziness and extreme blood pressure. Immediately my tendency is to blame myself. The real jewel in this mess is that it forces me to reset and think about life in a new way. What if she was suddenly gone?
091 – Reality Check
I got off the plane in Phoenix, I barely got out of the jet way and the phone rang. Joy is on the other end, still in Edmonton, in the emergency room of the University Hospital. She doesn’t know what’s wrong and I am terrified out of my mind.
090 – Be Who You Iz
At the end of the day, you can’t be anything except who you are. My journey through depression has been decades of trying to be something that I thought somebody else wanted. Of course, I failed miserably at that and am finally coming to realize I need to be myself, for better or worse.
089 – Bind Up the Wound
One common feature of my life, that every depressive will recognize, is the need to constantly fix relationship mistakes. Depression makes you say things and do things that on another day wouldn’t come out of your mouth. The fact that you have to play clean-up is both an excuse and a misery point in the journey of every depressive.
088 – Point Of The Arrow
My wife Joy has been a totally indispensable and powerfully cathartic part of this journey. Without her, I would have been dead ages ago. Unfortunately, often she is the one who gets wounded because she sits with me all the time and is literally at the “point of the arrow.”
087 – Father’s Day
Father’s Day was a terrifying and painful reality for me. I believe that I am the most awful person that ever held the role of father. I recognize intellectually that that is not true, but my emotional failings are sometimes so devastating I can barely breathe.
060 – The Mysteries of Language
Language is the medium for our communication. But so often we choose language that is disempowering. I certainly have done that repeatedly. I am finally learning to use language to create a future that I want to live in two instead of a future that frightens me and that is reflective of my fear.
059 – Delving Deep With the Shrink
I hate psychologists. I love psychologists. They are not involved in the real process of your healing. They simply give you ideas. You choose whether or not you take those ideas and apply them to your own life. If you choose to go deep, then you can come away with deep insights. If you stay in the shallow water than shallow learning is all you get
058 – There Are Real Results
So often I have pretended in my life that results that others achieve our a consequence of their favorable circumstance. I think and I assuage my soul with the notion that they have had a lucky break. My depression has let me live with that false impression. The truth is that results come from consistent effort and not from lucky breaks.
057 – Keys To Power – Part II
I have created a 50 part series called keys to power. It talks about seven pillars that hold up your palace of power. Do you really want to create personal power or do you want to simply languish in mediocrity? I ask myself that question all the time. There is an answer which is individual for every person.
056 – I Saw True Power
Tonight, I performed at Mendelsohn’s Elijah. I had the opportunity to perform with a 100 piece orchestra and a 200 voice choir. The stars of the show were world-class performers. I saw them bleed on the stage. They gave everything there was to give. They held nothing back.
055 – Lay It On The Line
When it’s time to perform you have a choice. Maybe you know your lines perfectly. Maybe you know your part perfectly. Maybe you don’t. So when it comes time to perform, what do you do? Do you lay it on the line? You give it everything you’ve got? Or, do you hold back?
054 – Getting Ready For Performance
One blessing that has been part of my life is to be in a group of powerful and competent performers. This group of musicians has created music worthy of a number one Billboard charting position over and over again. Getting ready to perform with them is a soul shaking endeavor.
053 – Going All In
One of the most important decisions that you ever make is whether or not you go all in. Lots of opportunities are worthy of consideration, but so often we simply dip are told in the water. As a depressive, I spent way too much time worrying about possible catastrophe, instead of cramming the throttle to the floor.
052 – Sometimes You Win & Sometimes….
Regardless of the fact that you sometimes move forward decisively, you are not guaranteed any degree of success. Life seems to be difficult no matter what you do. Oh certainly there are times that seem to flow well, but other times you seem to be splattered against the windshield, just like the unfortunate bug.
051 – Implementation vs. Chatter
This podcast is dedicated to the pretenders. Often I used to spend a lot of time busy. I was pretending to do things that were important. What I really was doing was passing time and avoiding all of the significant choices that were directly in front of me and relevant to my progress.
050 – Oasis Of Inspiration
In struggling with depression like everything else, there are good times and bad times. When I fail I feel like crap and I want to give up. If I choose not to give up, I find that my support network is there. In this particular case, I’m talking about the heavenly support network, specifically God.
049 – Healing – Part Two
A successful surgery left me feeling hopeful. I decided to view the surgery as a metaphor for my depression. If such a delicate surgery could be performed without damaging my eye and healing left me basically okay, why wouldn’t it be possible to manage or even overcome my depression?
048 – Cutting – Part Two
After the initial surgery, it turned out that there was a second lump that needed to be removed. It was on my right eyelid, right at the end of the eyelid almost touching the eye. I was terrified and worried that somehow my fragile vision would be damaged. This was a scary thought.
047 – It Really Starts With Choosing
There is one truth that I frequently overlooked during my battle with depression. It is the fact that we can choose what we focus on. No matter what happens, we get to choose the story we tell ourselves about the events. My 10-day stay in the hospital in 2010 taught me an important lesson.
46 – Keys To Power
I have created a 50-part video series about the things that I think give us personal power. This podcast is an exploration about the difference between giving up power by being a victim incessantly as I sometimes an in depression and claiming the ‘Keys To Power’ that I really can have.
045 – Who Cares Anyway?
No, I will not die from cancer. But the experience got me to thinking and if I did die, for whatever reason, who would care. Belligerent WHO CARES…? A quiet and sad ‘who cares… ’ or just as an introspective question, who would care, anyway? We all have someone who cares about us.
044 – What If I Die?
This cancer that I have is not serious – at least, that is what I keep hearing. But no matter what is said, the fact that you have cancer makes you wonder about mortality and death. On top of that, a second lump on my face is now scheduled for surgery in a few weeks. Hence the very real question, What if…?
043 – Time to Get Cut
As it always does, the day of action comes. For me it is about getting the cancer I talked about earlier in the series removed from my face. The experience was interesting, a bit fearful and most of all an unwelcome but powerful detour on my road as I explore the interaction between the mountains of life and the valley of depression.
042 – Never Enough
One of the most incessant problems that I have faced in my depression battle is the feeling that no matter what I do, it will never be enough. This feeling has been with me from my early years and still is a major factor in my daily walk with and battle against the beast.
041 – It Worked Out OK
This is the post-event podcast. After three days of intense performing and three days of providing guidance and value for clients, there is practically a total collapse. Even when things go well, people sign up and more money comes in, the best that you can feel is “it was okay.”
040 – ‘That Was Awesome’ vs. Getting Paid
After you get good at speaking, it is easy to get on stage and say some good stuff so you get a compliment or two or even 50. There is a chasm between getting compliments and getting told “that was awesome” and actually getting paid. You know…the real exchange of money.
039 – On Stage in Las Vegas
Another part of being in the coaching business that I am in means that I regularly appear on stage is speaking to anywhere between 10 and 500 people. Getting up for those kind of speeches and doing an awesome job so you get invited back is always an interesting mix, and terrifying.
038 – Cancellations and Self-Esteem
Being in business for yourself always means that there is a completely different structure than having a job. Having done both, being in business for yourself is more frightening, as well is more liberating. Preparing for the event and dealing with cancelations is one of those difficult dichotomies.
037 – Getting Ready For The Event
As crazy as it seems, my job requires that I hold events. These events are three days long and put me on stage in front of a dozen or so people for three days solid. This is a difficult, challenging and sometimes terrifying prospect for someone who suffers from depression. At the same time, there are other things at play.
036 – I Won’t Be A Coward
At the end of the day, if I give up, the fight is over. While that is sometimes very attractive, the one thing that has kept me from committing suicide over the years is the feeling that suicide is a cowardly way out. I can never shake the feeling that there might just be another way.
035 – What If I Just Give Up?
One option that is always at the front of mind of every person with depression is the option of giving up. Because so many days have been a fight just to perform and just to get by, the notion of giving up is never very far from a possible outcome.
034 – Oh Yeah, The Big C
About this time, I have been diagnosed with skin cancer. Fortunately. it is the least dangerous and least terrifying kind. Even with that reality, there is no easy way to look yourself in the mirror and say, oh yeah I have cancer. This opens a whole new chapter.
033 – I Need A Drink
One option on the table is to go back to drinking. That terrifies my wife, and me to frankly. Sometimes I feel like the only way to get past the impacts is to do some kind of numbing. The obvious rotten consequence of that is that your life is wrecked.
032 – The Hating Starts Again
One consequence of stopping the medication is that I could immediately feel the change in my physiology. They keep saying it takes 4 to 6 weeks for these changes to have an impact. That’s absolute nonsense. I can feel the difference in one day. As I slide back into the depressive world, things are not good.
031 – Waking Up To Joy’s Fear
For better or worse, after realizing that medication is a temporary Band-Aid, designed to be taken forever, I quit taking medication. I somehow believe that having learned to see things from a different mountaintop and surrounding myself with counselors and a supportive wife would get me through. My wife Joy is terrified.
030 – Waging War On The Tests
After taking the tests and realizing the inconclusive nature of the results, I was terrified to learn that at best, medication is a temporary Band-Aid that masks the problem but does not fix it. Is there really no way to SOLVE this problem?
029 – What Do You Want From Us?
As part of the process of trying to get help, I went to a psychologist to have a battery of tests. This episode explores getting those tests evaluated and the enormously disappointing outcome of the lack of professionalism and knowledge of the evaluator.
028 – Am I Supposed to Feel This Way?
Sometimes I wonder if feeling awful is just going to be a permanent part of the depressive war. Medication does what it does, counseling does what it does, but at the end of the day is feeling like crap just kind of the norm? If it is, I don’t think I can do this
027 – I Am Feeling Like Crap
You know, all of the movement isn’t forward. There are gigantic ups and downs. Two steps forward, one step backward. This podcast is a reflection on terrifying realities of the back-and-forth process of managing depression and its consequences on everything around you.
026 – No, Really…There IS a God
After the last episode I felt compelled to give some really specific examples. This episode talks about specific times and circumstances where divine intervention has saved either my life or my sanity and set me back on a road to recovery. All the roadblocks aren’t gone, but help has come.
025 – There Is A God
I have made no secret of the fact that I have cheated death several times. God has intervened in my life more than once. Those that choose to disbelieve are allowed to do so, but nothing will change the knowledge that I have that the divine has been active in my drama.
024 – To Shrink of Not To Shrink
Another powerful question that is right up there with the question about medication was “Who else to get involved?” I titled this one “To Shrink or Not To Shrink.” This is a reflection on the use and value of counselors and psychologists for me on my journey.
023 – Who Is Talking, Anyway?
One tool I finally learn to use in wandering through the minefield of depression was the tool of differentiation. We all know that we have different voices in our heads. Sometimes those voices are encouraging and sometimes discouraging. Giving names to those voices and calling out “the depression,” is a helpful tool for me.
022 – Am I Really A Dirtbag?
Because my depression often took the form of self-loathing, the question “am I really a dirt bag?” was often part of my daily mantra. So often when things were wrong, my initial and immediate inclination was to blame myself and assume that everything was wrong because I had somehow failed.
021 – I Should Write A Book
We often hear people say, “you should write a book.” It’s funny that one of the things that first came to mind after I began digging deeper into this situation is that I really should write a book. For three reasons, I needed to, perhaps there are other depressives that could be helped and lastly, maybe there are caregivers that might gain some insight from my experience.
020 – Declaration Of Independence
When I realized I had been locked up and tied up with ropes around a false impression and a fake set of memories, I had to do something to create reality for myself again. The fastest and best way I knew how to do this was to create my own Declaration Of Independence.
019 – I Hate You, I Think
After coming finally to the conclusion that I felt no love for my mother, I was left with a complete and empty void. What am I supposed to do with the fact that one of the foundation pillars of my life has been revealed as empty and vaporware? A strong and powerful reaction was reflected in the title of this podcast. “I hate you, I think.”
018 – Reflections Of A Broken Heart
One thing that is certain is that we’re supposed to love our mothers. I have come now to understand that the abuse heaped on me by my mom in my formative years is pivotal in the shaping that took place in my life. Mostly physical but often emotional and verbal this abuse created the largest single memory of my childhood – FEAR
017 – How Did I Get To Hell?
In trying to understand more about depression and its effect on the last three decades of my life, I have had to do a lot of introspection and thinking about patterns, habits and my formative years. This is been deep, difficult and the jury is still out on whether or not it will produce results.
016 – To Drink or Not To Drink
One thing that was very prevalent in my decades of depression was one form of addiction or another. Sometimes people ask about my drug of choice. I didn’t have one, whatever was handy was good. Right now the question for me is simply about alcohol. It’s easy to get and ask really fast.
015 – More On The Trades
From a philosophical point of view, it’s easy to understand that for every act and for every action there is a reaction. I’m calling those reactions “trades.” The trades that I’m making for making the depression “go away,” are profound and affecting every area of my life. Is it worth it?
014 – Did Somebody Hide My Energy?
More on the side effects of the drugs. They seem to be profound, getting worse, and affecting nearly every aspect of my life. Besides being physically tired, my mental energy and desire to express creativity were wildly affected. This is going to be hard
013 – A Different Mountain View
One thing I immediately noticed is that it felt like I was looking at a Valley from a different mountaintop. Events that previously only lent themselves to a single interpretation suddenly changed shape and color. What an interesting point of view.
012 – There Are Always Trades
So the reality of taking medication for depression is simply this: there are going to be trades no matter what you do. The trade for having the “sandpaper” disappear was some fairly dramatic physical consequences, sexual consequences and the number of other unfortunate side effects
011 – So Much for Sex
A delicate and uncomfortable topic is the effect of the medication on both sexual desire and performance. My experience was that the medication affected both and in a fairly dramatic way. The doctor told me there would be “some impact.” Nothing prepared me for the ugly reality.
010 – I Am Really Tired
A simple and easy thing to understand was the immediate impact of the drugs on my physical well-being. This episode deals not only with the fact that I was excessively tired, but the fact that the tiredness seemed to permeate all aspects of my life.
009 – Or Is It
Nothing is ever as it seems. Particularly as it seems in the beginning. Everything that is softer comes with a double edged sword. There are consequences for every action on every side. So when things don’t act like you think they should, then what do you do?
008 – Life Is Softer Now
One immediate effect is to get rid of what I always called the “sandpaper.” It sort of makes things feel softer, things have a little bit of a different view. But the real question is this, what difference does it make? Can it last? Is it permanent?
007 – Weird Feelings
Okay, so I start to take medication. And it plays havoc with all kinds of parts of my body. Beginning to understand the nature and depth of the trades that might be required is quite frankly a terrifying consideration. It’s not a simple matter of just taking a pill and having things be all better.
006 – Medication – Really
One of the first things people want to do when they care about depression is start cramming pills down your throat. Medication certainly has a place, and it is something that definitely should be considered, but I don’t know if it’s the only answer
005 – If I Say It – Is It Real
When you live for decades with depression it is sometimes very difficult to understand what is real and what is a product of your environmental and emotional conditioning. The very beginnings of sorting out that mess is and must be a key to connect with the truth.
004 – Now What
After finally taking a work at things as they really are, I’m left with a difficult and complicated question. What is the course of action that make sense? Who can I get involved? How long is it going to take? What is the road forward?
003 – Understanding the Trigger
Everything starts somewhere. This episode explores the trigger or the event that set off a chain reaction. A reaction that led me down a rabbit hole and ultimately on a quest for sanity and safety. Why do some events cause some people to freak out and don’t even bother others?
002 – Face to Face with The Demon
What does it feel like to come face-to-face with things that have been hidden in your subconscious, in your heart and in the deepest recesses of your soul? This is only the beginning. The monsters that have been in the closet are now going to come out to play
001 – The Trap Door
The event that started it all. The terrifying reality that let me understand something truly was wrong. Something big that could no longer be ignored. A reality that needed to be carefully examined, truthfully attacked and ultimately overcome. Uncensored and in all its glory